im having holidays and i keep deleting what ive ive been writing before; there is something comforting in knowing things couldnt get worse i feel the most at peace when i know im back to my basis, coming home nothing feels mine anymore to the point were i refuse to put my things out of my suitcase i dont hate it in here but ive been in enough pain in this place that i cant bare staying any longer,these walls heard my screams of frustration my lies my cries and my thoughts, sleepless nights i had wondering in this beautiful house that isnt mine my books are still staying on my library as a reminder of the surreal girl i used to be, they say you are as beautiful as you see life, and i either feel alive and extreme ecstacy or Noir, im navigating life alone, the rage from the inside doesnt disapear , thats why there is a clinical satisfaction in knowing how bad things can get and give in,one thing i know for sure is that i would never kill my self even if i did it for others and sooner or later i will have a spiritual awakening,

im not a nihilist nor a pessimist i dont wanna be like that, im still roaming around like a restless ghost i might destroy myself but never to the extend of killing it, thats what life is all about "rebirth", there is a void in my heart that is unbearable i would open my chest and see how deep it goes, maybe i just need god, i know he doesnt need me but why would he create me if i would feel abondoned, maybe i abondoned him, but will he accept me if i came back, but they say at some point no matter how much you'll pray to the sky god would remain silence, would it then be too late for me, i wanna feel the need to crawl back but would that be late, i never questioned who i was praying for and i never dared to, i wanna be the one destroying myself and healing it, i wanna disapear, im a bad daughter and a bad sister, but i did nothing wrong, cant they just.. i hate mom